Healthier Scotland. Scottish Government

What they want

Talking about sex

The best way to find out what your partner does and doesn't want is to talk to them before you end up in a passionate situation. For tips on how to talk and listen well, see our page on good communication.

Don't worry that talking about sex will destroy the 'mystery of romance'. In fact, talking about sex can be quite a turn-on itself and can be a good way to get in the mood.

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If they don't want to talk

Some people feel awkward talking through sexual matters – even with their partner – so take it easy at first. To get things started, you could try mentioning things that you like to do, things you'd like them to do or your favourite turn-ons.

If that doesn't work, and you need to talk about serious stuff like the need to use protection or getting tested, try explaining to them that you'll feel much more comfortable if you can talk things through.

If they still won't talk, then be firm and make it clear that you need to talk before you can consider sleeping with them.

If communication has really broken down between you, you might be able to get things back on track through relationship counselling.

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If you don't want the same things

People change and grow, and so do relationships. Maybe you're just discovering some things about this person you didn't realise before?

Even if you don't share the same turn-ons, there is still a lot of pleasure to be gained from knowing that you're helping the other person have a great experience.

Good sex is often about finding compromises that suit you both, and the more you explore each other's bodies and feelings, the easier it will be for you.

Having said all that, there's never a good reason to do things you're really not happy about or that risk anyone's sexual health or wellbeing.

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