Healthier Scotland. Scottish Government

Good communication

Active listening

Active listening means listening intently and responding to what the other person is saying. Counsellors and therapists use this technique all the time but it's really handy in all kinds of situations – including talking about sex with your partner.

Here are some tips to help you:

Don't interrupt

Try not to interrupt the other person in mid-flow – even if you strongly agree or disagree with what they're saying. Let them finish, then respond.

Pay attention!

Concentrate on what the other person is saying to you. A good listener isn't merely waiting for the other person to finish speaking so that they can get their own points across. Think about what they're saying – it might change what you want to say next.

Let them know you're listening

It doesn't take much – just a nod or an "uhuh" will let them know you're still paying attention to them.

Eye contact

Try to maintain regular eye contact while they're speaking but don't stare continuously (it might seem spooky to them – especially if they're talking about difficult stuff).

Make sure you've understood them

Don't assume you've really understood what's been said. A good way to do this is to repeat what they've just said in your own words – "So, what you're saying is ..."

Be careful only to repeat what you think they've said and not jump to conclusions!

If you're unsure, say so and ask the person to explain it in a different way.

Be cool

Keep the temperature down by not reacting straight away to what's being said. You might not have understood correctly.

That doesn't mean you have to stifle your own thoughts and feelings. Just take a breath and try to imagine what the other person might be thinking and feeling before you respond. How would you feel in their position?

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Think ahead before speaking

Think about what you want to say and how to say it ahead of time. Often, the first thoughts we have about something could sound clumsy or offensive if we just blurt them out. Consider how you might feel if the situation were reversed.

Also, try to give the other person a chance to think first by letting them know roughly what you'd like to talk about and arrange a time that suits you both.

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When to talk

There's a time for serious talk. Try not to let things 'build up' or go for long periods without mentioning things you feel strongly about. Just be aware that the best time might not be the instant you think you need to talk.

If you can, try to have conversations about what you want in terms of sex before you end up in bed together. Try to avoid times when you're both stressed or distracted because something else is happening or just about to happen. Good communication needs its own time.

If the timing doesn't feel right, you could indicate you want to have a proper discussion about something later and agree a time that will be easy for both of you.

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Where to talk

Good communication needs its own space. Find somewhere quiet and private where you can both feel comfortable and won't get interrupted. Switch off the telly, the phone and your mobiles too!

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Be prepared to compromise

The whole point of talking about important issues with your partner is to reach a conclusion that suits you both. More than that, it's the secret of all successful relationships. This means that both of you need to be willing and ready to give a little.

That doesn't mean to say that you should simply 'give in' about things that are really important to you (like using protection or starting a family).

Sometimes, compromises can't be reached, and you need to be prepared for that too.

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