Healthier Scotland. Scottish Government

Talking tips

It’s all about active listening

So what does this mean? Basically, listening intently and responding to what the other person is saying. Counsellors and therapists use this technique all the time but it's really handy in all kinds of situations - including talking about sex with your partner.

Read on to see a few good tips to being a good listener.

Don't interrupt

Try not to interrupt the other person in mid-flow - even if you strongly agree or disagree with what they're saying. Let them finish, then respond.

Pay attention!

Concentrate on what the other person is saying to you. A good listener doesn’t just wait for the other person to finish speaking so that they speak. Think about what they're saying – it might change what you want to say next.

Let them know you're listening

It doesn't take much - just a nod or an "u-huh" will let them know you're still paying attention to them.

Make sure you've understood them

Don't assume you've really understood what's been said. A good way to do this is to repeat what they've just said in your own words – "So, what you're saying is ..."

Be careful only to repeat what you think they've said and not jump to conclusions! If you're unsure, say so and ask the person to explain it in a different way.

Be cool

Don’t react straight away to what's being said. You might not have understood correctly. But don’t stifle your own thoughts and feelings.

Just try to imagine what the other person might be thinking and feeling before you respond. How would you feel in their position?

Think before you speak

What is it you really want to say? Often, the first thoughts we have about something could sound clumsy or offensive if we just blurt them out. Consider how you might feel if the situation were reversed.

Also, try to give the other person a chance to think first by letting them know roughly what you'd like to talk about.

When to talk

There's a time for serious talk. Try not to let things 'build up' or go for long periods without mentioning things you feel strongly about. Just be aware that the best time might not be the instant you think you need to talk.

If you can, try to have conversations about what you want before you end up in bed together. Try to avoid times when you're both stressed or distracted.

If the timing doesn't feel right, agree a time that will be easy for both of you.

Where to talk

Good communication needs its own space. Find somewhere quiet and private where you can both feel comfortable and won't get interrupted. Switch off the telly, the phone and your mobiles too!

Talking and alcohol

It might make bringing things up easier, but if you’ve had a few drinks your judgement is impaired. Chances are you’ll end up saying something in the wrong way, or even something you don’t mean to. Find out more about alcohol and sex.

Be prepared to compromise

The whole point of talking about important issues with your partner is to reach an agreement. It's the secret of all successful relationships. So both of you need to be willing and ready to give a little.

That doesn't mean you should simply 'give in' about things that are really important to you. Sometimes, compromises can't be reached, and you need to be prepared for that too.

If they don't want to talk

Some people feel awkward talking about sex so take it easy at first. To get things started, you could try mentioning things like your turn-ons or things you'd like to do to them.

If that doesn't work, and you need to talk about serious stuff like protection or getting tested, try explaining to them that you'll feel much more comfortable if you can talk things through.

If communication has really broken down between you, you might be able to get things back on track through relationship counselling.

When good relationships go bad

Good relationships rely on good communication. When communication breaks down, little problems can quickly become overwhelming.

Sometimes you can get into a rut of not really listening to each other and arguing lots. If this happens, it might be worth finding a bit of outside help.

It's not possible to talk about every single thing that might happen during sex, so don't be afraid to shout up at any point if something is going on you're not happy about.

What you don’t want

In the heat of the moment it’s easy to get carried away. If you find that someone is trying something, or doing something you don’t want them to, follow this advice.

Put a hand in the way or move anything that's not where it should be and gently but firmly say "No" or "Stop please".

If they don't or won't stop, call a halt and get your clothes back on. Sex should NEVER be about one person getting something against the will of another.

Nobody should have to put up with that kind of behaviour – it could even be classified as rape under the laws on sex.