Healthier Scotland. Scottish Government

Rocky patches

Cut yourselves some slack

There can be a lot of pressure to have the perfect life together, but life can be hard work! Don't assume that the reason you're struggling is because the relationship itself is the problem.

When things aren't going quite right between you, try to remember that there could be other reasons.

Maybe one or both of you is facing up to some big challenges?

It could also be that there are some things you need to talk about before your relationship can move to a new, stronger level.

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Take account of life's challenges

Life is a constant series of challenges. In fact, overcoming these challenges is what gives us a sense of achievement and fulfilment.

It pays to take account regularly of the things we have to face up to - partners included. Being aware of and understanding the sources of pressure in our lives means we can take steps to help ourselves - and our loved ones - to cope better.

Stress at work, money worries, unemployment, illnesses, bereavements, accidents and bringing up a family can all place a strain on us and on our relationships.

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Arguments

Some couples argue a lot, others hardly at all. Couples can argue more or less at different times. There is no 'normal' or 'healthy' amount of arguing.

Some people think that arguments can be a good way of 'clearing the air'. However, the more you argue, the more likely you are to hurt each other's feelings and ultimately damage your relationship.

A far better approach is to make sure you regularly factor in some "us time" and make sure you talk about any issues or problems before they build up into an argy bargy session.

While disagreements are natural, they should never turn nasty - threats, intimidation, emotional or physical abuse are all viewed in law as domestic abuse.

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Talk about it

Talking about how things are going between you, how you feel about each other and the challenges you're facing will help strengthen your relationship. It will also help you avoid arguments and disputes.

In the end, lasting relationships rely on good communication.

Talking together about the important stuff will help you both understand each other better as your needs and desires change over time. Sharing any problems and worries also helps cut them down to size.

If you can't be together physically, get texting, hit the chatroom, write down how you're feeling in an email or letter or have a long blether on the phone.

To find out about some of the things we all need to talk about with our partners when it comes to sex, visit our section on talking.

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Plan some "us time"

Remember when you first got together? All that time you spent alone, just the two of you?

As the first stages of lust cool and we get back to a more normal way of living, it can be easy to get swept along by life's challenges. But to stay strong, relationships need work and their own space and time. The good news is that this kind of work is fun!

Rather than pinning your hopes on a fortnight of holiday bliss months from now when you can be together, try to do something for yourselves at least every couple of days.

Go for a romantic walk, switch off your phones and kick back on the sofa, give each other a back rub or have a long lie with breakfast in bed.

And there's never any harm in saying 'I love you'.

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Sexual problems

It's normal for couples to go through phases of having lots of sex or less sex as levels of desire change and we deal with life's challenges.

More serious sexual problems can be a result of abusive past relationships or abuse in childhood. It's not unusual for these kinds of problems to surface during a close, loving and healthy relationship.

If you are experiencing domestic abuse, contact the Scottish Domestic Abuse Helpline at any time on 0800 027 1234.

If you have experienced sexual abuse in childhood, find out how you can get help by visiting the Survivor Scotland website.

Problems with sexual function may also result from health issues. If you want sex but find it difficult getting an erection or becoming aroused, speak to your doctor. There are services available to provide support.

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Affairs, flings and swings

Being unfaithful is the end of many relationships.

When things aren't going right, it can be tempting to look elsewhere - especially if you suspect or find out that your partner has been unfaithful to you.

Having an affair might distract you for a while but the guilt could make things even more difficult with your regular partner. If they find out, it could spell the end.

Even if you know they've already been unfaithful, two wrongs will only increase the amount of hurt going around and is unlikely to improve anything.

Meanwhile, a rocky patch in a relationship is probably the worst time to contemplate introducing other sexual partners into your lives - even if you both agree.

And of course, if you have many partners, you'll increase the risk that you'll pick up a sexually transmitted infection.

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Domestic abuse

Nobody should have to put up with threats, violence or controlling behaviour from their partners.

If you are suffering any kind of physical or emotional abuse, or are worried about the safety of your children, it may be best for you to leave.

If you are experiencing domestic abuse, contact the Scottish Domestic Abuse Helpline at any time on 0800 027 1234.

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Get help

Sometimes, it pays to get some outside, professional help to sort through your relationship problems. Find out more by reading our page on relationship counselling.

Alternatively, find out about relationship counselling, family mediation and family support by visiting the Relationships Scotland website.

If you're feeling down and need to talk to someone in confidence, call Breathing Space on 0800 83 85 87 (Mon-Thurs 6pm-2am, Fri 6pm-Mon 6am).

Alternatively, call The Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90 at any time.

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